The Best & Worst Parts of my Journey to Recovery

I want to start by saying that I am so sorry for being so quiet the past few months, I had some serious recovering to do! I promise I will publish a blog about that, but today I wanted to focus on the end result rather than the process! (I should be writing a 5000 word essay right now, but I figured that this was a productive way to avoid doing that! Although it’s pretty incredible to be able to say that I am now capable of writing an essay – all previous attempts have come back with sentences finishing midway or making no sense! I’m finally the healthy and improved version of the old me!).

So anyway, today is quite possibly the best day of my life to date, and I now know that there are many more to come! Today is the day that I am moving back to the house where this whole rollercoaster journey began! I am so incredibly grateful to my mum for letting me move home two and a half years ago, if she hadn’t who knows where I’d be now. I do know I would probably have lost one of my very best friends. One of the symptoms of MVBD can be extreme mood swings – and in my case getting seriously angry over errr not a lot! One particular memory that I have is when I suggested to my friend that we start getting milk delivered instead of having to go to the shop. We had friends over all the time, and we’re pretty rock and roll so got through a fair bit of milk! He wasn’t up for the idea, no big deal you would think!...except I got sooooo angry.  I apologised – I didn’t even care where we got our milk from! I knew I had to move out or I would risk causing irreparable damage to an awesome friendship! Luckily he forgave me for moving out the next day and leaving him an orange ceiling that took 12 coats of white paint to cover…and I am now moving back to my old room! I honestly never thought that the day would come that I could move back out and start to live like a fully-fledged adult again!

Work was equally amazing today - it was one of the busiest days that I have known in the year of working there! Why is that good I hear you ask? Well I must confess that I am one of those weirdo's that loves work (hence doing 100 of them free of charge!), but it was also the first day that I finally realised that I have my brain back! Until recently a day like today would have been a disaster with me struggling to work out how to write peoples phones numbers down let alone do ten things at once! (I work at a florist for those who don’t know – it was job #5 of my 100 jobs and I loved everyone there so much (and luckily they thought I was alright!) that I never left!). Did I mention that I am well enough that I doubled my working days from 2 to 4 last week!

 

I felt quite teary this morning when I thought back to two years ago, when I had reached the point in my condition where I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel and honestly didn’t want to be on this wonderful planet any more. When I look back now I have no idea how I got myself through those dark days, the prospect of spending the rest of my life feeling the way I did was just not an option. Thankfully I somehow managed to keep the faith that one day I would be able to find a cure, in spite of the fact that everything was pointing to the fact that was the impossible. I am so glad that I am still here today to tell my story and live the fantastic life that I have been given. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to share with the whole wide world that I seriously considered taking my life, but unfortunately I know that I am not the only one to have those thoughts - I think it’s a side effect of having a long term ‘incurable’ condition that not many people are aware of. This whole experience has made me realise that you don’t have to be anything extraordinary to help people. I always thought I had to be something amazing to make a difference, but I now know that just by being ourselves and living honestly, we can help others to do the same. After having my life blown to pieces, it is finally coming back together – except this time it is a million times better than I could have ever imagined with so many more incredible people, experiences and life views than I had before. The worst time of my life was actually the best time of my life because it forced me to discover who I really was and what’s really important to me. Anyway I think I have talked enough for now, but I just wanted to share my story – even if it helps to give one person hope that a seemingly hopeless situation can get better then my whole journey will have been worth it. Thank you so much for all of your support, I have been truly astounded by the kindness of those following my challenge. If you would like to sponsor my journey for an incredible cause then please visit: http://bit.ly/1rUotsK

 Lots of love

Bobbie J  

Life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forwards

Why have I started making videos? Well after the filming on Friday I was really proud that I hadn't let my nerves get the better of me and that I had taken back the power to be how I want to be rather than letting fear control me - that took a lot of work by the way! But I was also really disappointed as although I had spoken about my challenge and how I had got to that point, I didn't really manage to get across the journey that I was on or insights that had come up along the way...you can't schedule inspiration, especially with a head that works on its own terms! Lol. So I thought why don't I just start making short videos whenever I feel inclined to do so - which is what I am doing!

 I spoke a bit yesterday about being a perfectionist and trying to unlearn that. At the start of my 100 job challenge I had a list of 100 jobs that I wanted to try, the plan was set I just had to follow it - just how I liked it! But pretty rapidly things would happen, such as my condition getting worse, suddenly not hearing from the job or whatever - something would happen that meant I had no choice but to deviate from the plan. Can you imagine how annoying that was, I had even worked out the order of the jobs so that one would help with the other and now all of a sudden the order was getting changed and there was nothing I could do about it! Now i realise how ignorant that was - life is unpredictable and that is what makes it beautiful! How could I possibly anticipate the best journey for me to take in a world of infinite possibilities?! I now go entirely with the flow! My list is null and void! If I see a job i fancy trying, I send an e-mail - if I don't hear back it wasn't meant to be. If someone asks me to try a job and I really don't want to do it, I say yes anyway! If suddenly get to ill to go to a job - I thank them for their generosity and apologise profusely - If they are happy to reschedule excellent if they don't respond then that is all part of the journey. At my interview on Friday he asked what jobs I would really like to try - It made me realise I am so into just going with the flow in relation to my challenge that I hadn't given it any consideration - I actually couldn't answer! I just know that wherever this is meant to lead it will happen with no input from me! Life knows far better than I do and I trust that now! I am working on applying that to every area of my life...I didn't say it was easy but it is certainly worth it! So far I have found that if something becomes a struggle then I am probably trying too hard with something that isn't meant for me! I have put a lot of time, passion and energy into my challenge, but no real effort. When you want to do something and you know it's right then I don't think any effort is required - effort to me means it's something you don't want to do or isn't right for you if you have to try that hard at it! That being said its a lot of work overcoming fears that I come up against in my head, but again I don't see it as an effort because it's something I wholeheartedly want to do. 

I love writing and really enjoy it as a way of communication (something I never knew until I started my challenge).  I'm not sure videos are my forte, but they are a great way to instantly record what I'm thinking! Sometimes it all comes to me too quickly to write it all down before I forget, so a video could be the solution to that! Plus I can't be as perfect with a video as I can with writing as it's instant - I can keep remaking it but it will be different every time! It's not like writing where I can spend hours rereading and reworking it until I'm happy with it - I have to just do it and then send it out into the big wide world! I've been watching live videos by an inspirational speaker called Scott Stabile (you should check him out), I love them because they make you feel way more connected to the person which is awesome! Writing connects differently as I think it gives you the time and space to explore what is being said in your own time and in your own way. Anyway I think that's all for now! Follow me on my Facebook page 100 Job Challenge if you would like to check out my videos! Thank you for your support. Much love Bobbie xxx